I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana’s country were about as big as a tree could get, ” he said, “but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon’s tummy when she goes by.

We have a love-shaped hole within us.

Knowledge is of no value unless you put it into practice.

Caution! Be very careful of false, meaningless, self-contradictory, and not even very funny warnings, like this one.

Silence can pose a greater threat than the difficult truth.

The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.

It's easier to write about a place sometimes when you've left it, when you can apply your imagination to your memory and let your emotions guide the writing about a place.

Patriotism is (like) loving your family whether it is good or bad, while always striving to make it better. Nationalism simply insists 'Hey my family is the best'.

The Australian accent just a very lovely accent and it doesn't have the pretention maybe of an English accent, but yet seems a little bit more exotic than an American.

I've been watching a lot of A&E's 'Intervention.' I know that's sort of depressing, but I love watching it.