I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Nobody actually looks like what they really are on the inside. You don't. I don't.

Rivers are lucky. They can only move in one direction.

And now Lord what wait I for?

The world is satisfied with words, few care to dive beneath the surface.

Canada is said to have got its name from the two Spanish words aca and nada, signifying 'there is nothing here.'

It is a very important consideration that we are consecrated and dedicated to God; it means that we may think, speak, meditate, or do anything only with a view to his glory.

No one is asking what happened to all the homeless. No one cares, because it's easier to get on the subway and not be accosted.

There is maybe a cynicism because of my past as a writer.

Music is the only thing in this world, with the exception of sneezing and looking at the sunset, that takes you to a place that's above the mundane. Everything else is just bullshit.

We may pretend we are basically moral people who make mistakes, but the whole of history proves otherwise.