I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

If I have the gift of the prophecy, and can fathom all mystery's and knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

I felt it. I heard the snap of my heart tearing in half. It wasn’t a messy, dirty rip like I’d expected, but a smooth, clean line that knew just where to break to hurt me the most.

There's no way the new chimney will fall down, Lu. Not with you in charge. It wouldn't dare.

One of the things I've learned is to be receptive of feedback.

The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory.

Everyone suffers wrongs for which there is no remedy

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

Getting old we can deal with. Being old is the problem

I know a little about a lot of things. But I don't know a lot about everything.

Nature is that lovely lady to whom we owe polio, leprosy, smallpox, syphilis, tuberculosis, cancer.