I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Do you know what we call windows in Belgrade?' she asked. All our windows are broken and crisscrossed with scotch tape. 'Windows 99.

If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner.

Westward Ho!

Bullying is something every kid in public, parochial, or private school has witnessed by graduation. While unfortunate, it is part of growing up.

We've switched from a culture that was interested in manufacturing, economics, politics - trying to play a serious part in the world - to a culture that's really entertainment-based.

Neville will play Quidditch for England before Hagrid lets Dumbledore down.

The laws of decency enforce themselves.

Yet again, unscientific claims were being circulated broadly, but the scientists' refutation of them was published where only fellow scientists would see it.

Teaching prejudice to a child is itself a form of bullying. You've got to be taught to hate.

Avoidance doesn’t solve anything; it merely serves as a temporary salve.