I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Stealing is good, honest work, " Said the theif, puffing out his chest. "Well, not honest, strictly speaking, " he admitted after a moment. "Or actually good.

If you will reach your dream land as sooner as possible you have to leave everything behind and fix your eyes on one thing

I have a close association with Gen. Petraeus... What you get in Dave Petraeus is a very unique officer, a combination of intelligence, extraordinary depth of knowledge and understanding.

You can't make people believe in you if you play a horror part with your tongue in your cheek.

Not writing the same kind of book over and over again is to me the real pleasure of what I do.

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.

For every positive change you make in your life, something else also changes for the better - it creates a chain reaction.

The cucumber is bitter? Then throw it out. There are brambles in the path? Then go around. That's all you need to know.

The truth may hurt, but love helps ease the pain.

A centre of excellence is, by definition, a place where second class people may perform first class work.