I won't take no for a question.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

It is your ego that needs to explain itself. The self just is.

There is no sin unless through a man's own will, and hence the reward when we do right things also of our own

When Freedom from her mountain height Unfurled her standard to the air She tore the azure robe of night And set the stars of glory there.

Only good things come from God's hands. He never gives you more than you can bear. Every burden prepares you for eternity.

Marriage is not a game for the young.

This splendid subject [mathematics], queen of all exact sciences, and the ideal and norm of all careful thinking.

A great work always leaves us in a state of musing.

Wealth and honours, which most men pursue, easily change masters; they desert to the side which excels in virtue, industry, and endurance of toil, and they abandon the slothful.

All I ever had before you was nightmares. But now I dream. Because of you.

For what we engage, we transform. And what we engage with our hearts is transformed forever.