I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I have come, " said a deep voice behind them. They turned and saw the Lion himself, so bright and real and strong that everything else began at once to look pale and shadowy compared with him.

Did your mom ever tell you, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything’? She was right–and talking nicely also applies when you’re talking to yourself, even inside your head. (339)

I read poetry to save time.

The women working at abortion clinics are really on the front lines and the true heroes of feminism.

Those who depend on television as their primary information source are condemned to .... A form of political illiteracy.

In racing, I wanted to be a winner and to be a winner, you have to be willing to roll the dice.

One of the hardest things in the world is to convey a meaning accurately from one mind to another.

If we're lucky we realize that life is really about family - your children, your family and your friends. Without that, the rest is hollow.

Let every family meet once a day or week for a real hearty sing, and their sing will give them more pleasure than they will take all the rest of the day.

O, my luve is like a red, red rose.