I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

A job should only be a means of attaining the highest goal

Throw caution to the wind and just do it.

There's a lot of effort expended once you begin to completely trash your life. Sometimes, writing feels like this to me.

I am always in love.

Every day is a crossroads. Every day is a chance to change your life and our world for the better.

Probability fractions arise from our knowledge and from our ignorance.

Actions speak louder than words, but words spur actions.

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.

Solitude becomes a sort of tangible enemy, the more dangerous, because it dwells within the citadel itself.

I am Psmith," said the old Etonian reverently. "There is a preliminary P before the name. This, however, is silent. Like the tomb. Compare such words as ptarmigan, psalm, and phthisis.