I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

We were strange in loveher and I too wild to last too rare to die.

It is often said that things must get worse before they can get better, and there is truth in that.

I'll try a pagan friend, thought I, since Christian kindness has proved but hollow courtesy.

WE CONTINUE TO DWELL AMONG THE LIVING AFTER WE DIE. WE LIVE ON IN MINDS, HEARTS AND LIPS.

While you're deep in something, you never say or do what you need to. It's always after the fact, when it's too late, that you realize what you should've said or done.

They were ridiculous times. After I won my World Championship in 1976, I went to Japan.

We must care. We must all care. And while I am working, while the governments is working, so must the people also work.

You're just always growing. I feel like it's been very fast growth, but super exciting and I know I'll look back and feel like 'Yes, things were stressful, but it was also such an exciting time.'

I think the most challenging part of being a performer is just making sure that people know that when you get up there every night, it's unique and that you care.

Progress is a choice. Job creation is a choice. Whether we give our children a future of more or a future of less - this, too, is a choice.