I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

We glorify God when we appreciate humans

When you know your enemy is invincible, run and hide, or may do business with him.

...real teenage boys aren't like characters in the books you read. They smell funny and are obsessed with video games and say dumb things. They're still learning, just like you.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

I love looking at famous people. Because of the way they look. Because of the way photography makes them look famous.

New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.

I'm not really very ambitious.

Never send a boy to do a man's work; send a woman.

Every pair of eyes facing you has probably experienced something you could not endure.

Why write a book on uncovering past lives? Because the benefits for personal empowerment, healing, and enlightenment are tremendous.