I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

The way to be happy is totake pleasure in what you do and how you do it, not inimagining that happiness is some place at the end of the road.

A story has its purpose and its path. It must be told correctly for it to be understood.

If [the devil has] brought you down, make sure that with Christ’s enabling you stand back up.

I had a national and international reputation. I had written the history and articles. So I brought to the Trotskyist movement some international reputation.

The only thing I did at RKO of any note was lose my Texas accent.

Why did god create a dual universe? So he might say ‘Be not like me. I am alone.' And it might be heard.

The purpose of a relationship is to decide what part of yourself you'd like to see 'show up', not what part of another you can capture and hold.

For all their talk about the virtues of democracy, many incumbent politicians really don't like it when voters have a voice-not if that voice is effective.

That there are men in all countries who get their living by war, and by keeping up the quarrels of Nations is as shocking as it is true.

When you truly love yourself, you don't have enemies. They may hate you but you're too big to hate them back.