I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

All is flux, nothing stays still

Wisdom that is not acted upon is just philosophy... but when lived as a verb, wisdom will be the foundation of your success.

In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.

A wise man who cultivates wisdom may sometimes drown in it.

We must not mistake kindness for weakness. Kindness isn't weak. Kindness is a certain type of strength.

Crime is for poor people. You don't need to rob the bank if you own it.

My favorite birthday game is Pin the Cleanup on the guests.

A website without SEO is like a car with no gas.

The ice sheets seem to be shrinking 100 years ahead of schedule.

Every cent that goes to research is changing the lives of patients and their families right now.