I would like eternal life. I would like to have the power to choose who lives and dies.

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

People have always said since TV was invented what a cultural wasteland it is but I think it is the worst and the best. It is the golden age of television.

I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

I knew I wanted to be an actor. I just kept saying, "Until somebody tells me to stop, until I have to go get a real job, and until I'm practically homeless, I'm not gonna get one."

It is an example of what films can do, how they can slip past your defenses and really break your heart.

Greed and Lust never say, "Enough!

My number-one theory in life is that style is proportional to your lack of resources - the less you have, the more stylish you're likely to be.

Have you heard anything useful come out of an actor's mouth lately?

The first half of our lives are ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The weather plays a very big role. I have run very few races in the raining and the cold.

It's wonderful to be able to sit down and write a play.

The people were simpler, more peaceable and friendly in their manners and dispositions; and assassinations, which give the southern provinces so ill a reputation, were almost unknown.

The New York papers have long known that no large question is ever really settled until I have been consulted.

You are as important as you make others feel.