I would love to have acidy spit.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Love me for stupid reasons, I like those most.

We are all actors, set on the stage of the world, as the curtains open we put on our best performance to this audience of life.

Journalism is literature in a hurry.

I can access emotions very easily.

I hate and I love, and who can tell me why?

I loved to draw. I always did. I started when I was about five years old.

It is not necessary to meet your guru on the physical plane. The guru is not external.

That wasn't love; that was stupidity.

It's such a performance to bring stuff into America. It's a great luxury when I am in England.