I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Life is wonderful beautiful journey. Every episode of my life is like a dream, and I am at peace and happy with what life has given me.

Six days shalt thou paddle and pack, but on the seventh thou shall wash thy socks.

Eaters must understand, how we eat determines how the world is used.

There is nothing more foolish or self-defeating than for a Christian to say that he is not interested in doctrines.

[Cuban coffee is] very powerful, very sweet, and a little dangerous - just like the people who drink it.

I think social media is a great place to share ideas and to connect with other people.

I think clothes hang beautifully on thin women.

Obviously, I need to study princesses further.

Unfair and unkind behavior in exchange for your loving efforts is the rule rather than the exception

Tis on the living Envy feeds. She silent grows When, after death, man's honor is his guard. So I, when on the pyre consumed I lie, Shall live, for all that's noblest will survive.