I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

There is no sin too great for God's grace. There is no habit too big for his healing. There is no label too strong for his love.

How can I use what most excites, angers, or upsets me to achieve what I most want to be, do, or experience?

From everything, nothing looks to nothing.

One of the best things about being an actor is that it's a meritocracy.

Patients know what patients want to know.

I never think that a film should answer questions for you. I think it should make you ask a lot of questions.

There's no point in asking why, even though everybody will. I know why. The harder question is "why not?" I can't believe she ran out of answers before I did.

Whether it's a friendly match, or for points, or a final, or any game - I play the same. I'm always trying to be my best, first for my team, for myself, for the fans, and to try and win.

Guilt agonizes over trifles, ignores habitual wrongdoing.

Greatness has entered the ring! Thank you very much you may bow at will!