I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Successful people go through fear to get to where they are.

It is difficult to cultivate a healthy relationship in a landscape overgrown with blame, lack of trust, and betrayal

When you truly love someone, you want to please and honor them by the way you act. How you treat someone shows whether or not you really care about them.

Guys are OK... shake their hand... Women are special. You can hug 'em.

Winning is more related to good defense than good offense

If you want to say you got to take a woman out to a fancy restaurant, I write songs about hey I'm not taking you to a fancy restaurant, I wanna take you to McDonald's.

Pleasant words are the food of love.

Jesus, help me to simplify my life by learning what you want me to be and becoming that person.

There is in man a higher than love of happiness; he can do without happiness, and instead thereof find blessedness.

When remaining in awareness itself, every thought movement, no matter what kind, is like a drawing in air.