I would not ever try to be a show intellectual, which I was accused of doing a while on ABC. I thought you were supposed to read the guests' books.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself.

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.

I don't see the future as bright, language-wise. I see it as a glass half empty - and evaporating quickly.

I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you're hungry for power.

I don't feel old. I feel like a young man that has something wrong with him.

Obviously those who burn to be professional jesters mean that they want to be successful comedians. And those are always an elite, microscopic portion of the population. But oh, how they try.

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.

Before you assume, learn. Before you judge, understand. Before you hurt, feel. Before you say, think.

Be with people who like you for who you are, not what you have.

Angels are warriors of God. I'm a soldier.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

Every man should have a college education in order to show him how little the thing is really worth.

The best apology against false accusers is silence.

Try to sing exactly like an artist you hear, and then all of the sudden, you'll feel what it feels like if you're singing properly, depending on who you're mimicking.

If Iran invaded Israel, it's up to Congress to declare war.

Prophesying is lying professionally.