I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

I always advise people never to give advice.

When Darkness surrounds you, look for the stars. When Jealousy whispers, kill it with laughter. When Hate hurts you, love with all your strength.

Women are living independently, but we don't yet have the social and economic policies behind us to support that independence.

One swallow does not make a summer, but one skein of geese, cleaving the murk of March thaw, is the Spring.

When people give advice, they're really just talking to themselves in the past.

Maybe it's our sins that give God consolation when he finally has to give us cancer.

You know, I've seen a lot of people walkin' 'roundWith tombstones in their eyesBut the pusher don't careAh, if you live or if you die

Every Christian family ought to be as it were a little church.

Wine does but draw forth a man's natural qualities.

If it weren't for rock'n'roll, I wouldn't be a designer