I would think beer and football go hand in hand.

We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat and I built a boat.

A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know

I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life

I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!

I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work

Spread Smiles, it may cost you nothing but may worth more than anything for some one.

What is a Miracle? It is something that was once thought Impossible but became Possible with FAITH.

If I'm moving too fast or coming on too hard...

Can’t you feel it?”She could. No question about it. But saying yes felt like a giant leap for them. For her.“Be brave for me.

The people who ask questions decide the quality of their conversation.

Keeping religion immune from criticism is both unwarranted and dangerous.

All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.

A president can be as strong as she wants to be.

Strapping a computer display to your face is not the answer.

Poetry in love is no more to be avoided than jealousy.