I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Judge tenderly, if you must. There is usually a side you have not heard, a story you know nothing about, and a battle waged that you are not having to fight.” ― Traci Lea LaRussa

Anything that tends to make us elated is inevitably going to throw us into depression.

Out of all the magic words in existence, kind words produce the most powerful transformation spells.

Men, some to business, some to pleasure take; But every woman is at heart a rake.

There are many stressed single parents who may be working two jobs in order to keep the family together.

All of my life doing interviews, comedy has been my favorite thing, comedians are my favorite people.

Emerson:bite me Whitne:you wish

The rich are always enamored of the ancient.

If I'm boxing, I'll probably have rap on, or something a little more angry. If I'm lifting, maybe some rock 'n' roll. If I'm doing some cardio, something fast paced.