Ideas are self-replenishing, like snot

A hundred percent of marriages end in divorce, disappearance or death.

A sniper is like a genius - it’s not enough to be one, you have to be one at something.

One thing you’ll say for skeletons, they’ll always give you a smile.

The optimist sees the future as a rabbit sees the oncoming truck - getting bigger, not closer.

In America, fundamentalist Christians believe the world was created 6,000 years ago - in England people drink in bars that are older than that.

Biting enemies seems to be acceptable in a surprisingly narrow range of circumstances, or so a ninja shouted at me once

We have truth in order not to die of art.

He has been positively growing tusks trying to create a breed of human insect which will continue to live on this accursed planet. Everyone needs a goal.

Dreams always end before you kill the last person.

Fractal litigation, whereby the flapping of a butterfly’s wings on one side of the world resulted in a massive compensation claim on the other.

Some books are so special that you never forget where you were the first time you read them.

Peace won by compromise is usually a short-lived achievement.

A voice behind me asked, "Where is God? Where is He? Where can He be now?" and a voice within me answered: "Where? Here He is - He has been hanged here, on these gallows."

I have a very deep concern about President Obama putting in another 21,000 troops into Afghanistan with the promise of more to come.

I'm going to Ibiza with the lads! I’ll probably come back a raging alcoholic.

Inflation is the one form of taxation that can be imposed without legislation.

Stewart has two cars in the top five: Magnusson 5th and Barichello 6th.

I don't like John Terry and I never have. He's got funny eyes and he's a cry baby. He's also a Cockney.

The best poet is the man who delivers our daily bread: the local baker.

Try to read your own work as a stranger would read it, or even better, as an enemy would.