Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

Whenever, you face a challenge, it is time for a change.

For me, life offers so many complexly appealing moments that two beautiful objects may be equally beautiful for different reasons and at different times. How can one choose?

Abba Macarius said, 'If you rebuke someone and do it with anger, you have allowed a passion to control you. You have not saved anyone and have destroyed yourself'.

A winning mindset can transform an underdog into a champion, conqueror, and achiever. You’re a mindset away from winning your battles!

I see the work the pope has to do. It is a huge responsibility. Nobody campaigns for it.

America has the mightiest military on the planet, and they didn't get there with entertainers.

Actually, we didn't tour that much back in the 70s because we had all these other artists under our hat. My touring was really limited. I tour more now than I did back then.

You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.

Excellent value relative to the week investment of time....To my mind, this is the definitive course on leadership.