If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Christians are hard to tolerate I don’t know how Jesus does it

Teach a child to love his world deeply so that he may find the beauty and joy of life.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Bereavement, despair, ache, yearning happen to all. We all bear the pain of grief. We all take them in our own ways. And we are all blessed with the grace to transcend. (Page xii)

Hopeful dreams - even where crack kings’ and dope fiends feast. Dust from the ash and rubble

all day long, one storm then another—and I take your hands like gentle flowers that blossom into awareness

Food is our common ground, a universal experience.

As quickly as you start spending federal money in large amounts, it looks like free money.

Premature development of the powers of both mind and body leads to an early grave.

A country in which 42% of the population is totally misinformed is not a country where democracy is safe.