If David Brent is the best thing that I ever come up with, then so be it. What are you supposed to do, time the best thing you do for just before you die?

The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either.

I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

The existence of God is not subjective. He either exists or he doesn’t. It’s not a matter of opinion. You can have your own opinions. But you can’t have your own facts.

When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.

I am not a wolf in sheep's clothing, I'm a wolf in wolf's clothing.

Famous people are above the law.

Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It's all we've got.

It's better to create something that others criticise than to create nothing and criticise others. Go create, have fun!!

Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.

Telling someone with depression to pull themselves together is about as useful as telling someone with cancer to just stop having cancer

The Futures Bright, Wear Your Sunglasses

Whenever I'm about to eat meat I always see my little dog's eyes.

You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.

I'm a dealer. That's exactly right. I'm a used car dealer.

I have forgotten my rave reviews and memorized my vicious ones - like most writers.

I was not a great guitarist, so I sold my 1960 Fender Stratocaster in exchange for a Shure Microphone, made in Chicago, and a flute.

Perseverance is a silent power that grows irresistibly greater with time.

How great an evil do you see that may have been announced by you against the Republic? - Videtis quantum scelus contra rem publicam vobis nuntiatum sit?

People either make things or they don't. Inspiration is a poster.

One sin another doth provoke.