[If Donald Trump does get elected, I will be] probably Secretary Of Reeducation. Or I don't know. I'll probably end up working in the cafeteria.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative

You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

Paoletta turned to him with a dark face. Chase had never seen her look so foreboding.“You’d better watch out, Chase. He’s passed over to the evil side.

Our second mother, habit, is also a good mother.

I encounter really tough men and women who are just so harsh, you can't bend them. You do come across these kinds of people in every profession-just unyielding.

Men should come with instruction booklets.

Shush me again, I dare you." - Annabelle

The possible redemption from the predicament of irreversibility - of being unable to undo what one has done - is the faculty of forgiving.

There are a lot of people who pretend to have moral ethics and they talk from both sides of their mouth.

I was quite happy with the way I went, I think.

Avoid organizing investment team into silos.

Hi, Mom. (Devyn) It’s the other parental unit. Not as pretty or as fierce as your mother, but loving nonetheless. (Syn)