If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Problems are perceptual illusions.

Muhammad was not yet establishing a new religion

I write for myself and strangers. The strangers dear Readers are an afterthought.

While one finds company in himself and his pursuits, he cannot feel old, no matter what his years may be.

Every four minutes, another American home or business goes solar.

Prayer is the inheritance we receive and the legacy we leave.

I got a man cave. I play my music loud. I bought big speakers because I need to hear music loud.

The realities of the modern global economy require government to play a substantial role in ensuring the national and economic security of the people.

I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating

Why should I stay at the bottom of a well, when a strong rope is in my hand?