If God didn't want us to eat cows, why are they made out of meat?

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

It is the passion that is in a kiss that gives to it its sweetness

Inaction is no longer acceptable.

the man's best friend is his friend's dog.

It’s time to stop being vague. If you wish to be an extraordinary person, if you wish to be wise, then you should explicitly identify the kind of person you aspire to become.

The United States is the most powerful nation on Earth and it just can't walk away from the Middle East and central Asia and the Horn of Africa.

I am a poor mendicant. My earthly possessions consist of six spinning wheels, prison dishes, a can of goat's milk, six homespun loincloths and towels and my reputation, which cannot be worth much.

Terror is a tactic. We can not wage "war" against a tactic.

Don’t know where he’s going but sees where he’s been.

I will raid the arsenal and start a war to end slavery.

The ecstasy is so short but the forgetting is so long.