If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.

I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of people I've never met before I could go to a Methodist barn dance.

Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.

I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a lifesaving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.

All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.

On a train, why do I always end up sitting next to the woman who's eating the individual fruit pie by sucking the filling out through the hole in the middle?

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down - and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time' when he comes back dripping wet.

Your pain is trying to tell you something. It is not an accident, a curse, or an inconvenience. Pain is a form of self-communication.

Wake-up! Think for yourself, be yourself and return to what is real.

I've fallen down crevasses, been bitten by snakes, been knocked unconscious, had various limbs broken and once, a heavy camera came plunging down which very nearly decapitated me.

The cemetery is full of people who thought they could change themselves tomorrow.

There is plenty to do, for each one of us, working on our own hearts, changing our own attitudes, in our own neighborhoods.

That's how writing works, at least for me: even the stuff that doesn't work out gets funneled into the stuff that does work out.

The sweetness and generosity and politeness and gentleness and humanity of the French had shown me how lovely life can be if one takes time to be friendly.

It used to be that a fellow went on the police force when everything else failed, but today he goes in the advertising game.

Learning patience takes a lot of patience!

Everything must be organized in the most rational way. The state won't accept excessive prices.