If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

When it was dark, you always carried the sun in your hand for me.

A loving heart, determination, faith, courage, trust, belief, truth, and a solid soul create the wings with which we fly.

I am bewildering you a little. Just enough to help you forget what you came to believe, so that you can remember what you’ve always known.

Express your admiration for the traits, possessions or accomplishments of your customer. Little things mean a lot.

Books are key to understanding the world and participating in a democratic society.

Music is my love and to me acting is more mercenary. I don't pound the pavements for roles: if it happens, it happens. I hate that auditioning thing.

My favorite was Love Is...Never Having to Say You're Sorry. This was,the good Lord knew, a dream of mine. But every time I refused to apologize for something, Love seemed to just fly out the window.

Logic sometimes makes monsters. For half a century we have seen a mass of bizarre functions which appear to be forced to resemble as little as possible honest functions which serve some purpose.

One isn't born with courage. One develops it by doing small courageous things.

Maybe I'm an emblem of an old era, and I have to move on.