If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

You are more in control of your destiny than you have ever imagined.

A message for those of you who contemplate permanent solutions to temporary problems. You never know what could be coming in the future. There is so much music you've yet to hear.

Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish.

I am dating, but it is hard to find someone quick enough and funny enough. I am quite demanding.

Needing leads to bleeding - to almost all inevitable suffering.

I love going out every night. It’s so exciting.

Jupiter was very large and bright. Apparently, there was a small reddish star appended to its side. This is called "an alliance."

The law of conservation of energy tells us we can't get something for nothing, but we refuse to believe it.

You must squeeze every atom of impure air from lungs until they are almost as free of air as a vacuum.

I remembered what she'd told me in New York, about building something permanent, and I thought - just maybe - we were off to a good start.