If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody.

When failing spectacularly the trick is to employ an inverted Schadenfreude. Take ownership of your misfortune.

I'm a very competitive person, whether it's school, baseball or even playing video games.

Our opinions become fixed at the point where we stop thinking.

Something in her brain that still remained calm told her that she was doing a very foolish thing indeed.

There are generations of women who left the workforce to be moms, and their kids grow up, and they think, "Well, what now?"

Most everything means nothing, except some things that mean everything.

Eventually soulmates meet, for they have the same hiding place.

There is purpose and worth to each and every life.

I'm living my life and I found a woman who I love.