If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.

Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.

I didn't set a red line, the world set a red line

You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.

Sixty-five percent of Americans say they know nothing about either Muhammad or Islam.

The purpose of faith isn't always to keep us from having trouble. It is often to carry us through trouble. If we never had any trouble, we wouldn't need any faith.

The carbon dioxide concentration in the atmosphere is measured. It's uncontroversial. It's going up. We know that has a tendency to warm the atmosphere and we should be worried about that.

To save the banks, you would have to turn the entire Eurozone into Greece.

Everything rises but to fall, and increases but to decay.

Coming to terms with the fear of death is conducive to healing, positive personality transformation, and consciousness evolution.

I'm very collaborative with everybody on the set.

When things don't go well, it helps to think of yourself as a genius and the rest of the world as a bunch of idiots.