If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

Change isn't easy. Changing the way you live means changing the way you think, means changing what you believe about life. That's hard.

If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone.

I've dreamt of us falling in love and being together in a million different ways, yet I still wake up in the one way without you.

Summer is the mother of the poor.

The buzz you get when you're playing a song and everyone is screaming and dancing and what have you and singing along is incredible.

A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.

I go into meetings, and people have this preconceived notion of me that I didn't work hard to get where I am.

Use half as many words and they'll hit twice as hard.

To them, I said, the truth would be literally nothing but the shadows of the images.

My own growth is a part of a group evolution, definitely. It does feel as if the changes in the group are meant to be, and that I am not as much a catalyst, so to say, but rather a result of this.