If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Spread the light of your love through the magic of smile.

Love makes people do crazy things. And not feeling loved can bring people to the edge of madness.

I learnt years ago not to use logic to understand African politics.

The way you live your days is the way you live your life.

Bureaucrats are a pox. They are supposed to be necessary. Certain chemicals in the body are supposed to be necessary to life, but cause death the moment they increase beyond a suitable limit

A great deal of time and intellectual force are lost in the world, because the false seems great and the truth so small and insignificant.

Man may aspire to virtue, but he cannot reasonably aspire to truth.

Whatever I think, whatever I try to do, life might just turn around and... and hitch up its pants and throw me a twenty-dollar bill.

Life had become a reproduction: it was not the real thing.

If you can get out in front of people with your ideas and your execution, you'll attract the people who need to be pulled in.