If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I'm not surprised that Spielberg was able to capture the heroism of Schindler so many of his movies are about the better part of mankind.

The DSA scheme has not been reviewed for 25 years

Two beheadings out of six wives is too many.

Radio stinks. The stations are making a lot of money, but they just aren't taking chances.

Now [Mike] Gove has destroyed Boris Johnson.

Is there not something wanted, Miss Price, in our language - a something between compliments and - and love - to suit the sort of friendly acquaintance we have had together?

Being perfect is boring. It's the imperfections that make us perfect.

In the modern world there's no such thing as formality. A dinner jacket used to mean a tuxedo, you know?

And what's the point of changing when I'm happy as I am?

You don't go after poetry, you take what comes. Maybe the gods do it through me but I certainly do a hell of a lot of the work.