If I don't offend somebody, then I'm probably not funny.

Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality.

And when I was angry, when I was younger, I was in a cocoon. Now I'm a beautiful, black butterfly.

Bad news travels at the speed of light; good news travels like molasses.

I have snakes, three sharks, moray eels, piranhas, five scorpions and a bird spider. All of them are predators. They are dangerous but it's cool to have strong and powerful pets.

I see knowledge of self. I know who I am. When I look in the mirror, I see me.

Don't follow in my footsteps. Be original, and create your own path. Be a trailblazer! Do you! Be better than me. Do you! Be happy and have joy in your life.

I love my mother. My mother made sure, her stubbornness - she made sure we was going to eat. She made sure we had Christmases. That was my mother. My father wasn't there for that.

My father said: "If you want to catch your girl cheating, you knock on the front door and run to the back, because he's coming out the back."

I love this cornbread so much, I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

You must pay the penalty of growing-up, Paul. You must leave fairyland behind you.

Nature, not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write.

People have a hard time accepting anything that overwhelms them.

When I was nine, I played the demon king in "Cinderella" and it launched me on a long and happy life of being a monster.

If you can buy the best companies, over time the pricing takes care of itself.

The superior man does what is proper to the station in which he is; he does not desire to go beyond this.

It's not a problem. In four or five days I will be beautiful once again.

Lord, into thy hands I commend my spirit!

When you care about the culture, you can stop, pause, and say, "Okay, where do I stand in the midst of this all?"