If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

We need a new, deeper appreciation of the ethnic histories of the American people, not a reduction of American history to ethnic histories.

Expand your world. (Stories about wizards and spells) are very frequently about power relationships...

What we learn in childhood is carved in stone. What we learn as adults is carved in ice.

The future takes care of itself, and we should instead focus on taking care of the present. Try to make it pleasant and happy.

Life is a breath.

A cat's rage is beautiful, burning with pure cat flame, all its hair standing up and crackling blue sparks, eyes blazing and sputtering.

To really ask is to open the door to the whirlwind. The answer may annihilate the question and the questioner.

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.

I sincerely hope that I shall always be a credit to my race and the motion picture industry.

It's a great event to get outside and enjoy nature. I find it very exciting no matter how many times I see bald eagles.