If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Don't spend so much time chasing your future that you run over your present.

We all think we are gods, when we are no more than gnats.

Love is candy from a stranger, but it's candy you've had before and it probably won't kill you.

There can be little doubt that in many ways the story of bridge building is the story of civilisation. By it we can readily measure an important part of a people's progress.

Two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.

I have lived a long time, and one thing I have come to see is that one is well served by a degree of both humility and charity when judging the inner workings of another person's heart

The U.N. power comes from concerted action of the governments.

After all, if it comes to that, there is really neither Ogun nor Jesus! There are only mystified forms of our consciousness.

Lowering the Lord’s standards to the level of a society’s inappropriate behavior is apostasy.

I'm just a tough old woman.