If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Forgiveness that is insincere, forced or premature can be more psychologically damaging than authentic bitterness & rage.

Force and mind are opposites; morality ends where a gun begins.

Nobody would say, 'I'm voting for this guy because he's got the stronger chin,' but that, in fact, is partly what happens.

Success shouldn't be measured by how much you have but by how much you give back.

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

But Tommy Lee Jones is just smooth. He's just the real deal. I'm captivated by him because there's so little of that in Hollywood, and he just embodies it.

I'm always asked if the songs that I write are therapeutic, and my answer is a quick no. In fact, it could be argued that they exacerbate my neurosis.

Well, I would never do a study because I'm a practicing physician. I mean, all I do is treat people.

Free verse is chained in sentence-to-sentence links and breaks free in line breaks.

Life's a journey, not a destination.