If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.

Literature can remind us that not all life is already written down: there are still so many stories to be told.

Let the tent be struck.

Eventually, if you're experimenting with a sound that's unfamiliar, it gets absorbed, and somebody comes and does it better, and it becomes part of a vocabulary.

Impossible loves. I am very much afraid they can become an addiction.

No, we can't be friends. You're my mom. You're what i talk to my friends about.

There's no shortage of material in life.

I've always dreamed of an Olympic medal.

The number of objects we see from living in a large city amuses the mind like a perpetual raree-show, without supplying it with any ideas.

U can feed ur ego or u can feed ur family. U can’t feed them both.