If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

And they were quiet but their blood and nerves and butterflies were not—they were rampantly alive, rushing and thrumming in a wild and perfect melody, matched note for note.

Lose control once in a while, and your emotions will make your strong. Keep your heart open, and they’ll make you invincible.

You must learn not to rely so heavily on others. Only then will help come when you truly need it.

I think people take a liking to a voice or something that makes them smile and feel good about themselves.

Should each individual snowflake be held accountable for the avalanche?

I've never bashed a union in my life.

Kabbalah helps you confront your fears. If a girl borrowed my clothes and never gave them back, and I saw her wearing them months later, I would confront her.

Music is an incomparably more powerful means and is a subtler language for expressing the thousand different moments of the soul's moods.

I hate to think that someday Americans will be looking at the ruins of their cities and saying that this happened because their leaders were afraid of the word unilateral.

Love shouldn't hurt. Love is to help the other grow with the right words instead of using derogatory remarks. Everyone has their good points