If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Of our thinking it is but the upper surface that we shape into articulate thought

The most relevant misadventure that I had, as a kid, is when I remember being pretty convinced that leprechauns were real and that I was going to catch one.

I never do anything because I'm a celebrity, as a rule. I do what I do as a citizen.

As to Magyar, I think that my speech was incorrect, inappropriate.

Nothing I've worked on has been asked this much of me to put it on the page [like Paper Girls].

If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.

For a host, above all, must be kind to his guests.

There are some things, I think, you're btter off not remembering.

In modern praxis lost positions are salvaged most often when the play is highly complicated with many sharp dynamic variations to be calculated.

One Whitman is miracle enough, and when he comes again it will be the end of the world.