If I had that kind of money, I wouldn't come to Vietnam, I'd send for it.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

They travel long distances to stroll along the seashore, for reasons they can't put into words.

The best gift that you can give to your favourite person is to lead him or her to God.

The thoughts you think when you are happiest are the closest to the truth.

After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.

Laying on the floor and listening to music might be all the therapy that you need.

Everybody in New York is looking for something. Once in a while, somebody finds it.

[People] might turn into [Donald] Trump supporters who think, "Hey, I get what women are saying." So any chance I get to have people listen that should hear me is good.

Happiness is not by chance, but by choice.

It's never been done doesn't mean it can't be done.

I was not allowed a physical lover. Falling in love with Love was the best I could get.