If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn't destroy it. I'd put it up on EBay because it's gotta be worth some serious coin. And that is the American way.

Children in a third world country. That's how we spread democracy.

Some performers are brilliant comedians, some are genius musicians, and some just make you happy to be alive. THE BOBS are all of that - and then some.

We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!

I actually go to church. I know it's hard for you to believe. It's only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny.

There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

I actually had to leave the country for infractions to fall off my record.

How many impressionist painters painted the same damned thing? How many actors have played the same part in renditions of a play or dancers do the same dances.

This is the true alchemy - the transformation of fear into love. It's available to all of us. It can save the world.

If what I do prove well, it won't advance. They'll say it's stolen, or else it was by chance.

Before journalism, I had worked doing medical aid work in conflict zones. Then, as a journalist, I had written about hospitals in war zones.

When you think about the day-to-day, positive impact on the lives of U.S. citizens, there is no relationship that we have in the world that is more important than our relationship with Canada.

Science is nothing more than a neverending search for the truth.

I always felt that the most common thread in my life from when I was young until now has been a highly observant, very analytical mind.

Hezbollah has never been a terrorist organisation!

Whatever else may be said of man, this one thing is clear: He is not what he is capable of being.

I'm sort of a cavedweller: I miss my house, my yard, my kitchen, my wife. The trees. When I get home, I like to get down into my office neighborhood as soon as I can.

Truth is often uncomfortable. It is only comforting to those who do not wish to ignore it. Then, truth becomes not only comforting, but inspiring.