If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

The infrastructure, institutions and social fabric of Venezuela are deteriorating, and people realize the Chavez government has been the problem, not the solution.

In 1998, it was possible to make a big-screen romantic comedy about email. Yep, email - the same medium we often think of now as boring and even annoying.

I've never tried to work chronologically. I don't think I have the discipline to do that.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

Pleasure is not the purpose of man's existence. Joy is.

The press always wants to know how many people will be killed or how much it will cost, but the answers to those questions are not knowable.

Prayer is asking; the answer to prayer is receiving.

Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.

I have known Johnnie Cochran for many years as an attorney and personal friend, but he has already expressed publicly that he is not on this case.

As soon as you say, "are you feeling X because I ..." Then the Jackal starts to salivate because he can educate the person that he's the cause of his pain.