If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

In life, you don’t have miracles, you don’t have anything but whatever you can hold on to.

Language as a communication tool is the primary element from which literature is created. Even in pre-literate societies, it exists as songs, riddles, or epics that are chanted.

Work is the only thing I do to escape the corruption of praise.

Hillary Clinton is under fire from Latinos, specifically online. This comes from a recent blog post by Clinton's campaign that was meant to reach out to Latinos. Instead, it offended many people.

But tonight, the lion of contentment has placed a warm heavy paw on my chest.

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

We have the truth and we need not be afraid to say so.

In the history of mankind, fanaticism has caused more harm than vice.

Only your ascent is important. Once you ascend, everything is saved

My personal obsessions are much more interesting to me than other people's.