If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Why can’t I remember that not once have I ever seen a coin, whether grimy copper or bright gold, that had but one side.

Hereafter she is only my sister in name; not because I disown her, but because she has disowned me.

Religion must remain an outlet for people who say to themselves, "I am not the kind of person I want to be." It must never sink into an assemblage of the self-satisfied.

Men inadvertently comport themselves with nobility when they have grown accustomed to wanting nothing from others and always giving to them.

An optimist is merely an ex-pessimist with his pockets full of money, his digestion in good condition, and his wife in the country.

Thus the right of nullification meant by Mr. Jefferson is the natural right, which all admit to be a remedy against insupportable oppression.

i hate leaving places i love i was never at one place long. am i selfish?

More is not necessarily better. BETTER IS BETTER.

Don't do nothing halfway, else you find yourself dropping more than can be picked up.

I've always made music - pretty much since I was born.