If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

One who prays ceaselessly is one who combines prayer with work and work with prayer.

Doing leads more surely to talking than talking to doing.

Just as some plants bear fruit only if they don't shoot up too high, so in practical arts the leaves and flowers of theory must be pruned and the plant kept close to its proper soil- experience.

Then the American flag was saluted. In general, in the United States people always salute the American flag.

In the mountains, the shortest way is from peak to peak: but for that you must have long legs

Wee leave more to do when wee dye, then wee have done.

In what else, pray, does man differ from the other animals except in that he is used by words?

Here I am an old man in a long nightgown making muffled noises at people who may be no worse than I am.

We live in a day of itching ears, but I have no commission from God to scratch them.

Let none presume To wear an undeserved dignity.