If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The present is a point just passed.

May my silences become more accurate.

All manners are not created equal and can conjure different interpretations based on the environment in which they are being displayed.

I try and picture you reading this -- there is a sense that as I write I try and get nearer to you, connect in my mind with you.

Style is something peculiar to one person; it expresses one personality and one only; it cannot be shared.

The Obedience of Children to their Parents is the Basis of all Government, and set forth as the measure of that Obedience which weowe to those whom Providence hath placed over us.

I wondered if it was possible to donate my body to science before I was actually dead. I wondered if a disease were to be named after me what the symptoms would be.

Overcoming poverty is not a gesture of charity. It is an act of justice. It is the protection of a fundamental human right, the right to dignity and a decent life . . .

Theatre sports is the best improv training period

People call me Wayne Wonder and it also goes back to football because I could do mad skills with the ball and people would marvel and wonder how I could do it.